Furuichi the idiot Furuichi the Baby Talker
by Tsukiko 0.0 Chan
Summary: As the title goes, Furuichi the idiot, can talk to babies! But what happened to him to make our dear friend become mentally unstable? Implied Oga/Aoi. Oneshot!


A/N: Things to note:

Ossan- Old middle aged-man; if dear reader, you, has watched _Gintama_, then I'm sure you will know what I'm talking about. P.S I felt the word "ossan" brings out the description of Alaindelon, rather than old-middle aged-man…

_Gintama_- Is Awesome! (Y)

Disclaimer: I don't own _Beelzebub _or _Gintama_

Furuichi, the Idiot; Furuichi, the Baby Talker

Furuichi never knew he could talk baby language. Not those type of baby words that mothers used to speak to babies, but he really _could understand_ – which was freaky.

It started out when Alaindelon glomped onto him and gave him a traumatic experience that will forever be etched into his mind. In a good way, he would consider this as part of the growing- up years of a normal teenage boy. In a bad way, or rather, the truth, he would consider this as being-the-best-friend-of-the-parent-of-a-demon-king. The procedures of this incident were as following:

1) "Takayuki-dono~! Ahahaha!" Shouted our great big friend from across the hallway of the house.

2) Furuichi sweat-dropped and dash into his room. It can never be a good thing whenever Alaindelon made that stupid face.

3) Suddenly, something popped out from under his bed. "Fo-u-nd y-ou. ;D" and Furuichi disappeared when the paedophile ossan threw himself onto the pitiful little boy.

After the massive ordeal of being_ inside_ of Alaindelon, Furuichi found himself at the park where Oga, Baby Beel and him frequented. Furuichi did a face palm. _Ouch._ He was willing to use his life and bet that it was Oga who had nothing to do and would just like to look at Furuichi's tortured face.

"It's okay, Furuichi. You just got kidnapped by an Ossan to witness Oga's stupidity, that's all. Phew! For a moment, I thought it would be something stupid like being the nanny to Baby Beel while Oga gets to hit on sexy girls like Hilda or Kunieda-san," Furuichi thought with a smile. Okay, now all he has to do is to make some reasons to excuse himself from any other contact with Stupid Oga and rush home for a nice long nap. Ah! Yes! A light bulb appeared on Smart Furuichi's head. And the excuse would be, "I've-contacted-Abdominal-Snowman-Fever-and-Godzilla's-duckpox, thus I would need to go home and have a good rest without idiots-with-demon-babies or huge-paedophilic-ossans."

Furuichi was so proud with himself for being such a genius. However, it was only then did he realise that Oga was nowhere to be seen.

"Erm… Alaindelon? Where's Oga? Please tell me he's close by. I don't wanna be without any protection and get raped by you," Furuichi pleaded.

Alaindelon clasped his both hands doing the sissy pose whereby he placed his hands at thigh level and start shrugging, "Ahahaha. But Tatsumi-kun really isn't here ."

Furuichi started to panicked and had a mental scream, "No! No! No! What should I do? Is my nightmare coming true? Curse you Oga, and to think I trusted you!" At once, Furuichi spun around and tried to run back home but as he was about to sprint forward, Alaindelon's big arms wrapped around him in a vice-like grip.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHH! NOOOO! MY YOUTH, MY BODY! I'M STILL A VIRGIN!" Who knew Furuichi could scream like a dolphin. From the side, mothers who had brought their children to the park quickly covered their kids' eyes to prevent them from seeing something inappropriate.

Alaindelon, unfazed, pointed to a direction signalling Furuichi to look there. In the distance, at the bank of the pond, stood Oga, with Baby Beel and Kota-kun at the side cheering him on. Kunie Aoi was there too with a very exasperated expression. Apparantly, our beloved Oga was preparing himself for a sumo match with a very strong opponent. Well, it's kind of embarrassing to describe his erm… "strong opponent" so, to cut it short, Oga Tatsumi's opponent is a err… a super-toddler! That little man had stolen the kite Baby Beel was playing with and refused to return it no matter what. Even through the threats spouting out from Oga or Kunie's gentle coaxing, the toddler remained adamant.

Already on the brink of tears, gallant Oga came to take/snatch the kite back only to be kicked in the stomach which sent him flying backwards. Surprised by this sudden opponent, Oga got all fired up to defeat the toddler however it had been a draw match so far. So far, it was the second time Furuichi sweat-dropped and he hoped he did not need to release so many unnecessary perspiration again.

"So…what is it you want me to do?"

"Takayuki-dono is the strategist and I could think of no one better than you to solve this terrible situation," said Alaindelon in a sing-song manner.

This made Furuichi's head swell five inches larger. Really now, a slight praise can make him so proud, what an idiot he is. In any case, Furuichi made his way down to the bank, leaving Alaindelon behind, to settle the problem. Upon reaching, however, he was suddenly thrust with the responsibility with taking care of the two babies while Kunie Aoi stood forward to prevent Oga from hurting the toddler regardless of how strong the toddler is.

This was totally not going with the plan that Furuichi had thought beforehand. Furuichi had wanted to step in-between Oga and the anonymous toddler and stop the fight by pulling out a lollipop randomly and present it to the toddler. Surely no toddler can resist the temptation of sweets, can they? And after the toddler's attention is on the lollipop, Furuichi would swoop down and grab the kite back from his hands in a swift manner like those you see in Shounen mangas. Yes, this was the original plan but now he mustn't dwell in the past failure and proceed on towards Plan B – still unknown though.

"Aargh, what's Plan B gonna be?" muttered Furuichi while scratching his head harshly till his hair seemed to fly in all directions.

"Well, Plan B is to sit back and watch the fruits of our labour, right Kota?" said a voice that supposedly came from…Baby Beel?

"Of course, Beel! Look, big sister and Oga-san are so close to each other now." Furuichi unconsciously turned to look at them. True enough, to prevent Oga from continuing his stupidity, Kunie Aoi had wrapped her arms around Oga from behind him, trying to hold him down. Furuichi sat there stoned, although his brain was screaming. _Noooooo! _hollowed Furuichi in his head, _why am I not there in Kunie-sans' arms but it has to be that caveman? But wait, that voice, could it be from…_as Furuichi glanced down at Kota-kun, the little baby looked up innocently and replied, " Ara, Furuichi-san, you can hear us?"

Throughout the fifteen years of life experience, it was the first time that Furuichi was ever in such a situation and thus, he did not know how to react but nod slowly.

"Oh, then you must be pondering over what was our "labour" that Beel said right? Beel, would you mind explaining?" Furuichi was still, let's just say awestruck, by a baby using the word "pondering" rather than "dah dah abu".

Ignoring Furuichi's life example of a goldfish, Beel started using all sorts of bombastic words to explain how this situation occurred.

"So in a nutshell (and simpler words), that toddler is a pro-wrestling prodigy whom you met in the nursery. Both of you decided it was to… match-make… Oga and Kota's older sister, Kunie_da _Aoi, (note the emphasis on Kunie's real name) Gasp, the Queen was Kunie Aoi! Anyways, the plan was a success because the objective from the start was to get Oga and Kunieda-san together – physically. Wow, what kind of sick, new, species you babies are," praised Furuichi although still confused.

The fight happening in front of them was still carrying on with Kunieda pushing Oga back from the front and the pro-wrestler taunting Oga.

Furuichi was having a headache right now. One-third was due to Oga being so childish to be irritated over a toddler. The second-third for knowing that Kunie was Kunieda-san, and the last third for understanding what those two babies were talking. Why, they are even having a conversation on how Oga and Kunieda are meant to be with each other!

"When Onee-san thinks about Oga-san, she gets all dreamy and in a daze, which was really cute," commented Kota

"Otou's heartbeat becomes faster whenever he looks at Aoi-mama. I know this secret cause of the contract we have that keeps us together," giggled Baby Beel.

"This is getting nowhere," cried Furuichi with his head in his hands. Who knew the babies were not babies anymore but old mother-in-laws.

Gasp. The horror.

Furuichi tried to calm down. He really _tried _to. Still, he must get some things cleared out first. Starting by finding out the truth of why the babies want to match-make their guardians together. _(And why wasn't he chosen to be match-maked with Kunieda Aoi.)_

"I want Oga-san/Aoi-mama to be my parent!" squealed the babies on unison.

"You do know that Oga will become you brother-in-law, right?" commented Furuichi, directing the question to Kota.

"No way! Why?" and with this Kota started bawling his eyes out. Obviously he only just realise this fact that Furuichi pointed out.

Nonetheless Furuichi was glad that the babies still retain the properties of being a baby. At this moment the "fight" had ended with the pro-toddler getting bored of Oga, which meant Kunieda Aoi seeing how Furuichi made Kota cry.

"Unforgivable! Hmph!" with a huff, the already quite dishevelled Queen carried Kota away angrily. It took a moment for him to realise the predicament he was in. But before he could blurt out the truth, Oga punched him from the back.

"Dah! Dah! Babububabu!"

Furuichi really, really didn't know what was going on right now. "Sorry, Baka-Furuichi, I just needed a punching bag to release my anger. Didn't know the punching bag was you." Okay, so Furuichi was now a species known as "punching bag", and the babies are of a higher intellectual than him, and Kunieda-san is angry at him, and lastly, Oga is downright irritating.

"Hey, Oga!", shouted Furuichi from behind as Oga was already a few metres ahead of him, "You are not going to believe me, but Baby Beel and Kota-kun can really talk! As in like us, talk!"

"Yah, you're right-" _A ray of hope appeared in Furuichi's heart, yes, I'm not crazy, it cried._ "I guess…you are right, Furuichi. I am not going to believe you." Replied Oga with a bored face.

"Dah!"

He utterly and completely gave up. Maybe he can use his mental condition to stay in the hospital and hit on cute nurses. Yah, that was a definitely better idea than continuing to be a friend of the Demon-parent. Just as he was going back home, (via Alaindelon, he couldn't be bothered anymore) a smug voice gave him a choice if he wants to be _match-maked_ with a certain blond demon-maid.

"YES!" and with that Furuichi leaped up into the doing an air-punch at the same time.

"Baby Beel, do you know that punching bag?" asked a dumbfounded Oga.

"Dah, dah," supposedly meaning no while shaking his head in pity for the supposedly mentally unstable teenager, although there was a huge grin plastered on his face.

* * *

><p>Haha, this concludes the little adventure of Furuichi Takayuki. Can the babies really talk? Who knows!<p>

Ahh, I bet there's this friend of mine who is currently lamenting on how long I took to write this -_-

Thanks for reading, review please!

Tsukiko0.0Chan


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